Simply the worst

The Frenchman's insouciance makes me reflect. I like that word, insouciance, and savour it on my tongue a few times. A good word. But not enough to prevent the less than comfortable thought sweeping through my mind, as I replay my words. "You bring out the best in me and the worst." Hindsight tells me that the 60:40 assessment was overly generous and I probably lied. It was just the worst. It gives me pause to think maybe that's how it's always been. How much of it is someone else, and how much of it is me? Like Usha's innate ability to attract nerds, I have that elusive quality of being able to pick men that bring out the worst in me. Then, I thought it made me behave like someone else, a woman I didn't know or recognise. Now, I recognise that she is within me. I wonder if it would be any different if the variables changed. Time, place, people, circumstance..... Perhaps. There is much to say about being at the right place at the right time, but none of it would change the violence of the emotion, the adamant refusal to settle for less or the blind belief that people will soar above their natural selves if you let them. It's hard to swallow, but maybe it will always bring out the worst in me. My kopaal? Or is it just who I am?