Security Alert!

The self check in machine refuses to check me in. I'm not surprised. So far, the Canadians have ensured that it is going to be a fuck all day and I head towards the counter, subliminally willing them not to put me in a centre seat. Before that, I have to pass the American Airlines security challenge. My interrogator can't be more than 24 with spiky, gelled hair, indeterminate racial heritage from the subcontinent and an 'innit' accent.
Hello, I'm Rizwan and I'm from AA security. How's your day been so far?
You don't want to know.
Well, it's gonna get much worse.
Oh no, it can't possibly get any worse..
Trust me. It will.
With that winning sales spiel, the boy reels of his piece about security check and the usual how many bags, did you pack them, have they been in your possession and rifles through my passport.
Oh...!
Stop it!
No really...
STOP IT!
Hey Ahmed, take a look at this... how old do you think she is?
Ahmed strolls over and the boys have a snickering lads moment.
When was this taken?
Tchah!
Seriously, you're so much prettier in real life.
I can't help but grin at his obvious throw away line. What can I say, I'm easy.
So you live here.
Yep.
Do you have any ID?
Erm, you're looking at my passport?
No, no. Proof of residence like a drivers license?
Nope.
Where do you work?
Cushman & Wakefield.
Do you have a business card?
Are you kidding me? I'm going on holiday!
Well, yeah, but you never know..
Why on earth would I carry my business cards on a holiday?? Siigh. Let me check.
Naturally, I have none. But a-ha. I proffer my C&W access card.
Ok, that's fine.
Phew. Thank God for that since I'm now homeless and unemployed in the UK.
Did you pack the bag yourself?
Yessss.
Where?
At home.
When?
Last night.
Where do you live?
Maida Vale.
Nice!
You're going to make me miss my flight!
Oh you'll make it... trust me.
Is there anything in your bag that needs batteries?
Hmmmm, yes.
What?
Well, apart from my laptop, I have the camera and my vibrator.
Boy looks at me.
I look back. You asked.
He hangs his head.
Ook, you can go. I want you to walk straight ahead in that direction and don't turn back. don't you even think of looking back after what you've said to me!
I'll try and resist...