Toxic Shock Syndrome

Toxic shock syndrome is a rare but very serious illness that can develop rapidly in anyone. In the UK (60 million population), there are about 40 cases reported each year, half of which are associated with women using tampons. Instructions to users include a pithy never insert more than one tampon at a time....(not so strange when you know someone who's forgotten the existence of an earlier one and required locker room intervention!). Not exactly the untimely demise I'd imagined for myself.

So, why does this suddenly make an appearance on the blog? The early onset of senility was established well in advance of my fortieth year, and while folks laughingly accuse me of having thrown away my retainer (in response to my story of being mystified on it disappearing from my mouth, my last memory of having had it, looking out the window of my parents bedroom), I can honestly swear of not having any recollection of removing it from the caverns of my mouth. Like I have absolutely no recollection of removing the last tampon I used...

A fact that took some time to sink through my morning grogginess. A trifle more alert, an investigation ensues, and after some not inconsiderable rummaging around my nether bits, I come up empty handed. 'Tis very strange. I could have sworn a tampon was enjoying temporary residence, but seems to have vacated without notice. I'm pretty sure these suckers do not have the ability to dissolve, and I don't remember indulging in any drastic nudity that could possibly cause it to be hurled asunder. I'm also terribly positive that I had no hand in it. So. The sixty four million dollar question. Where the fuck did it go???? While I do appreciate the receptacle in question comfortably accommodates significantly larger insertions, it's not like there's a study in which the offending article could be sulking.

Apparently one of the symptoms of toxic shock syndrome is confusion. Brilliant. The site very helpful suggests, "If you are wearing a tampon remove it and tell your doctor that you have been using tampons." Erm, what does one tell the doctor if it's removed itself? Perhaps I ought to go have another rummage around. For medical reasons, naturally.