Doctor Doctor!! It's Swine Flu'

I alight at Brough to be greeted by a Doctor brandishing a bicycle.... Why is he jingling a bicycle helmet instead of the car keys? Granted I'm not at my best given my pre-dawn start, but my suspicions are well founded as the good Doctor waggles his eyebrows at my rather horrified and somewhat accusatory glare at his ensemble and pats the front bar in what he assumes to be an inviting manner. I contemplate getting back on the train, but it's going to Glasgow. We haggle, and as my toes are unable to stay stretched long enough to balance on the bike, and Vinod needs the spanner to do anything about the seat, we agree to roll it home instead.

The alleged 40 minute walk is punctuated by my stomach swearing it can smell roast pork, causing us to debate breakfast at the first pub en route, only to realise that the sneaky aroma wafting itself around my susceptible senses was from Morrisons, and a GP's perspective on swine flu. Yours truly believes it's nothing but a media driven, diversion from the expenses scandal, and well, natural selection if we were to get into it ;-). The Doctor smirks but doesn't disagree. He does however inform me that the UK has been expecting this pandemic for the last 5 years and have been prepared with gallons of Tamiflu (all of which will expire by the end of this year, after which they will be sent to the 'developing' countries), which is why they're now handing it out for swine flu....

Influenza kills 6,000-8,000 people in the UK every year. That's what the H1N1 virus is likely to do, and only to the weak and immune deficient. But Britain is caught in the throes of a pure, pandemic panic and the government has now set up a helpline, and apparently, if you do have the symptoms, you can only proceed under threat of prosecution to find out how to fix it.... so scientific curiosity had to be abandoned.

But what's the point of walking home with a Doctor if he can't amaze one with Swine flu' tales from the clinic?? ... the sheer number of patients who believe they've been struck by the oink bug, a number of anticipated deaths in the lurking, and even an indignant demand to know what the government intends to do to help if you have no friends! I beg your pardon? Apparently, one of Vinod's patient's wife has the virus, and he (the patient not Vinod) is most perturbed by the governments abandonment of them... 'What if I contract it from her? Who will do our shopping??' The good Doctor patiently prescribes baked beans and other tinned goodies (spam!) while he's still mobile.

But my faith in this country is restored. Apparently, the government has been listening, and a guideline has been established for a network of 'Flu Friends'. Yep. The time has come to find those unknown randoms who will collect your medication from the pharmacy before popping down to the supermarket to stock up on baked beans on your behalf. It is a key recommendation of the biggest health campaign 20 years ago to combat the threat of Aids, and leaflets are being posted to every home in Britain. I now begin to understand more fully why the British lost their Empire, even as I rifle through my phone book in search of a friend.