Countryside Caper: Raise Shed; episode I

The illustrations are crap. The parts unlabelled. My consternation at the demand for 'above average DIY skills' on the packaging, somewhat appeased by the sight of the Vinod's toolkits. Each one more impressive than his work kit! Lovingly lined with lush foam, nestling spanners, bolt tighteners in 17 sizes, screwdrivers, wrenches, nails, pliers, sandpaper, scissors, nail gun, wireless power screwdriver (power tools without mains are apparently worthless..), whatsits, thingymabobs, whatchamacallits..... a veritable rogues gallery of bank job essentials. Oh yeah, the Doctor is IN the house!!

A few hours later, we have half the inventory checked off, rain on the horizon, an unsatisfying base to the shed, a loaf of bread and an empty stomach. This is going to be more of a challenge than anticipated. We decide to move our endeavours from the garage to the chalet (what was meant to be the shed, but instead is a summer house, a sexy log cabin, with parquet flooring, double glazed continential windows and japanese blinds made of handmade paper and bamboo...!!!) and discuss installing a hammock there and renting it out for £100/week to jaded Londoners.

The label touting 'made to conform to Australian standards' brings to mind your kinara carpenters rush job, and we heap abuse on their shoddily inferior quality as sharp edges pierce skins, and refuse to align, slide, overlay, slot into place as they should! Still, we are determined to at least get the bleeding frame up, and improvise along the way. It's flimsy and unimpressive, and I'm appalled. I wouldn't leave my cat in there... Vinod assures me, it'll be sturdy once it's done and screwed down. I humour him, and we screw our way through a change in instruction and what seems to be missing and wrong bits, ruthlessly turning in the X18's and X20's. Something isn't right.... the mid-support for the sides are upside down. Given how much we bitched about the sharp edges, and the fucking useless Aussies, it's illuminating that it didn't occur to us sooner..... I'm beginning to think we should call the Poles or at least drag Jan out to suffer alongside.

Back to the drawing board and the Builders tea break (weak, white and sweet.....ugh!) is forgone for a bowl of Green & Blacks chocolate ice cream (really, do I look like I do menial labour???). The rain starts hammering down, but we continue to viciously unscrew and rescrew the support struts and then latch on to the sides, refusing to surrender to the inclement weather. Et Voilà! We have a, non-wobbling in the rain, structure. Unimpressive to the naked eye, but given the Aussie's ineptitue in manufacturing a quality shed, we're highly impressed with our handiwork, and the jaunt back to the house is a victorious, if rapid one. Time for our builders bottoms to get stuck under a HOT shower.