Words fail me. I have just braved my way home in absolutely foul weather (yep, just another day in London!) stopping just long enough to pick up a bucket of Beglian chocolate in the hope that it will ease my sense of complete disatisfaction. A wonderful day catching up and getting silly with friends over rapidly vanishining quantities of dimsum (chicken feet is good for your skin apparently), eclectic conversation and double desserts, all rounded off by the return Mr. Bond himself. Wellll...
What can one say? Disappointing doesn't even begin to cover it. Forget Casino Royale. Forget Bond. Forget plot, soundtrack, the wry, self deprecating acknowledgement of Bond's ludicrous invicibility, M, N, O, P or even Q. When Mimi saw her first Bond (Goldeneye), she loved it, but had to go back and see it a second time because neither she nor Sarika got the plot!! I made sure all my friends and colleagues had hysterics for a week at her expense... :). Well, plot has never really been one of the key elements has it? But at least you knew who were the baddies, and their fathomless desire to rule the world, and it always ended with a righteous damning of all evil. This celluloid offering is reminiscent of my ex-neighbour's attempt at risotto - a deeply dejected alliance between basmati (?!), maggi stock cubes, pumpkin, mushrooms and a random sprinkling of saffron. The end result, a suspicously bizarre, soggy and confusing assault to the senses. This lumbering effort is reminiscent of a Bourne wannabe, minus a coherent storyline, which is a shame given the power of the Bond franchise - Plot was never important, but the powers that be, seem to have forgotten the allure of why all men want to be Bond, and why all women just want Bond! Casino Royale wasn't Bond like either... it just happened to be a bloody good film...but (a) if it's not a good film and (b) it's not Bond... Why watch it at all????
It is quite conceivably, the worst movie I've seen in recent times. Like that feared risotto, all the elements stand in isolation, without any sense of cohesion or direction, leaving one confused, entirely devoid of any sense of satisfaction, and intensely wary of any future offerings from that particular kitchen! In between the various disparate storylines, boredom overtakes you and you start contemplating diversionary tactics - except for you have no popcorn. Like Mimi and Sarika, I don't get it, but unlike them, I'd rather remain in ignorance than undergo the torture of sitting through this morass a second time, and I am more than happy to wait indefinitely for the assault. Just what is the quantum of one's misery, when the coolest gadget is the desk operated by support staff at MI5? or standing in the rain after, running through potential films to watch once we're home?! I'm swaying between Thomas Crowne affair, Tie me up! Tie me down! or Zoolander. Hardly matters, after what we were subject to, any film combined with the Belgian chocolate sultrily whispering my name has got to be a fail safe! Hmmm, maybe I should just pick a Hindi film....
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