Marriage is a wonderful institution

The question is, whether you want to be in an institution!
India has the lowest divorce rates in the world. Allegedly 1.1%. Impressive, yes? (perspective check, that’s twice Norway’s population) Still, 1.1%. People say it’s because of our values, our tradition, that family is important to us, our society believes in the institution, respects it….. Bollocks. We have the lowest rate of divorce in the world, because it’s the most excruciatingly difficult process you can imagine, the magnitude of silliness involved, beyond the grasp of our puny minds! The 1.1% is a testament to unswerving determination in the face of all odds. To get married in India is a breeze (please do not confuse the legality of it with the obligatory flaunting of it). 30 days notice, Rs.20 for the certificate and a grand investment of Rs.120 ish (maybe 200 ish given inflation), and the registrar’s office throws in the daft thrones for the mandatory wedding photo. 3 signatures et voilà. Shaami Stri. Pati, Patni. Srimati, Sri. Navra, Baiko. Mister and Missus. You are now the proud possessor of a grubby (if you don’t laminate, it will disintegrate) piece of legal size paper scrawled over in poor handwriting declaring your elevated status.
Now, try and get a divorce. Hah! Divorce? Surely you jest. We don’t do that here. You persist? Very well then. File a petition in court. We’ll send you for counselling. Give it another shot. 6 months at the very least, and if you still haven’t changed your mind… but wait. Mutual consent? Don’t be daft. No one divorces mutually or consensually. Assault and battery? Lying, cheating bastard? Penniless deserter? Evil mother in law? Amnesia? Emotional abuse? No, no, no, no and no? Then why do you want a divorce? Shoo. Now go away and stop wasting the courts time.
Time to seek serious professional intervention.
The marriage between the parties is a love marriage. Before the marriage the Petitioner was a spinster and her maiden name was Aparajita Guha, by which she continued to be known even after her marriage. Before the marriage Respondent was a bachelor. (a deviously cunning opening gambit: state the obvious!)
There are no issues out of the said marriage (in Indianspeak that would mean children, not periodicals or problems)
1) The Petitioners state that the marriage between the parties was a love marriage. They had met at …. and after a brief courtship decided to get married. Their marriage also had the stamp of approval and blessings of their respective parents and finally the parties married on 29th February, 1996 with the fond hope that their marriage would be a long lasting bond. (this is what happens if you don’t let the folks choose in the first place! Fond hope alone does not a marriage sustain….)
2) Soon after the marriage the Petitioner No. 1 came to reside with the Petitioner No. 2 at his address at ……... In or about 2000 the Petitioners realized that their marriage was a mistake. There were disputes and differences between them and increasing incompatibility. There were constant quarrels between them and not a single thing upon which they could agree. However inspite of the same the parties resided together and had an off and on relationship. (would it be flippant to suggest we apparently agreed to disagree??)
3) The Petitioners state that this state of affairs continued till March 2007 when the parties separated due to irreconcilable differences and disputes which made it impossible for them to reside together. The parties have been residing separately since then and there have been no marital relations between them since then. (no sex? Impossible!)
4) Friends, relatives and well wishers have intervened and tried their level best to resolve their disputes and salvage the marriage but these interventions have only proved futile. (you guys did a lousy job! Although I must admit, neither Aashish nor I have the guts to tell Santosh or Munaaf that we’ve split…)
5) In the circumstances parties have come to the conclusion that continuing the marriage ties will not be in the interest of either of them but the same will only increase the pain and mutual animosity and acrimony. The Petitioners have therefore decided that they should part company and go their separate ways. The Petitioners by the present petition pray to this Hon’ble Court for a decree of divorce dissolving their marriage solemnized on 29th February, 1996 by Mutual Consent. (I’ll let him know when the family meets to celebrate his doctoral victory; oh, the pain!)
6) The Petitioner No. 1 shall after the divorce continue to use her name. (Yes. You may address her as the Warrior Goddess, failing which, she might answer to Maharani of Kuchbhinahin)
7) The Petitioner No. 2 has returned to the Petitioner No.1 all her articles, belongings, wearing apparels, valuables and personal and she has no claim in this regard against the Petitioner No. 2. The Petitioner No. 2 has in his custody and possession his articles, belongings, wearing apparels, valuables and other personal effects and has no claims in this regards against Petitioner No. 1. (don’t worry Bebous, I won’t tell them about the fetching lace tank top you kept for yourself ;-))
8) Both the Petitioners are educated and gainfully employed and hence are capable of maintaining themselves without depending on one another. Hence none of the parties intend nor shall claim past, present or future maintenance from each other for their respective selves. The parties have willfully and thoughtfully given up their respective claim for maintenance even taking into consideration the rising rates of inflation. (I’m lost for words on this one…. Even taking into consideration the rising rates of inflation???? What the $£*%???)
I feel weak. My defiance reduced to churned buttermilk. Forget divorce, I think I’m losing the will to live….