What has British television come to??

I'd like to think my lips form a perfectly pretty, pink 'O', but I suspect, I'd picked off a lineup as the goldfish that died through extinguination (too much CSI will do that to you). Heat surges into my cheeks as all my auditory faculties rev up at the sultry intonation from the flat screen,

'It vibrates like no hand can....' Oh my!!

Wait a minute... that looks more like a brush than a vibe. And then, this PYT daubs it on her eyelashes, before furiously fluttering them at me. My little brain grapples with the dissonance brought between my aural and visual centres. It takes a reply for the penny to drop. Apparently, the latest thing in looming lashes is a vibrating brush.... ?? For a lustrous, sexy, come hither look. Hmmmm..... Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather be vibratorally challenged elsewhere for a come anywhere look!

Yes, I have no fear. I shall meander with my mingy lashes... for the next deeply suave voice over assures me that at somenonsense.com, 'We will help you find the love of your life.' Right. That's me sorted. A banana beckons..... think what you will. Goodnight.