What has British television come to??

I'd like to think my lips form a perfectly pretty, pink 'O', but I suspect, I'd picked off a lineup as the goldfish that died through extinguination (too much CSI will do that to you). Heat surges into my cheeks as all my auditory faculties rev up at the sultry intonation from the flat screen,

'It vibrates like no hand can....' Oh my!!

Wait a minute... that looks more like a brush than a vibe. And then, this PYT daubs it on her eyelashes, before furiously fluttering them at me. My little brain grapples with the dissonance brought between my aural and visual centres. It takes a reply for the penny to drop. Apparently, the latest thing in looming lashes is a vibrating brush.... ?? For a lustrous, sexy, come hither look. Hmmmm..... Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather be vibratorally challenged elsewhere for a come anywhere look!

Yes, I have no fear. I shall meander with my mingy lashes... for the next deeply suave voice over assures me that at somenonsense.com, 'We will help you find the love of your life.' Right. That's me sorted. A banana beckons..... think what you will. Goodnight.

Farewell Adelheid

My heart skips a beat at the sight of a purple stamp winking up at me from the doormat. Neat calligraphy pronounces Mrs A. Guha as the recipient. No return address, but definitely not from Foxtons or EDF. I linger over the innocuous envelope, wallowing in the suspense of a letter. It's been forever since I've had one, and I can't think of anything more exiting. Even when it's expected, even when a glance at the scrawl gives away who it's from. Nothing compares to the little flutter of anticipation in your gut that sight of one of these brings.

A card within. "Without her nothing will ever be the same". Adelheid Rutten-Pol. No, they never will. A lovely woman, enjoyed by all that knew her. Interesting, funny and gracious. Gone before anyone thought she would. It's hard to imagine Harry without slipping into Harry & Adelheid. The consummate couple. We all drooled over Harry, the yummy..... but Adelheid was what made him more fun. Now, it just feels like an incomplete masterpiece. Like her, the dignity of the simple words, 'You are welcome to join us and say farewell to Adelheid', feel like a warm sunbeam on a grey day.

To a good life. Farewell Adelheid.